I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
