he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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