She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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