Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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