god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I puked a lego.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
