You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Randomize
