I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
