We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
