When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i already hear my dad disowning me
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sorry about my life...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
