Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
two words...techno handjob
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
