I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
