I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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