My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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