Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
