Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
