You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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