Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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