apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dignity is for republicans.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
