There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
