I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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