is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
