Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
