My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
