if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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