be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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