Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
