I could have mohawked her pubes.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
