You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Are we still banned from the library?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
