she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize