Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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