Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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