You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
