You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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