Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
