Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
