took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
