She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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