I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
