There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
