Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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