So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
