he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
