just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
