You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
