If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
