The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
