whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
