after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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