At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
