She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize