i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
