If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
