My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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