god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
