She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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