thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
