I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
