You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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