either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize