Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
